NO-ONE IS PERFECT yet how come so many of us work so hard at presenting a ‘perfect’ image to the world and how come so many of us make up that others are ‘perfect
I love permaculture and the solutions for living more gently on the earth. I am not a perfect permaculturist and never will be.
I love healthy food as medicine. I do not always eat only ‘healthy food’ but every day I down a fresh juice of fruit and veg, I am on track. Every day I drink enough water, I am on track. Every day I do not raid my mother’s chocolates I am on track
I smoke cigarettes – not a lot, but I smoke, own-rolled American Spirit, but I smoke, 4 or so a day, but I smoke. Every day that I think about not smoking, I am on track. And I frequently get off track.
I want to love everyone yet I get so pissed at some people. I get pissed at being manipulated, I get pissed at fake niceness, I get pissed at people who envy,I get pissed at kowtowing to people that I don’t enjoy being around and who can make break what I’m about. I get pissed at all these games we play because we haven’t the balls to be outright honest and face others knowing the truth of who we are.
AND at the same time I want to know people, to understand what makes them do what they do as I want them to understand my deeper drivers. We are all driven by fear for our own me-survival and we are all driven by a desire to have a ‘better life’ for ‘me and mine’. I want people to share with me and make it easier for me to have compassion. When people put up a fake front, I withdraw. I feel what’s going on.
And when people are open, honest, vulnerable I embrace them. I try my hardest to be open about me and share some of what I have experienced that made me how and who I am being today. Those that know me well, know my reputation for sharing my truth. I know I’m with ‘right people’ when I can do that and they accept without judgement. They may be curious and I’m always willing to expand.
I want people to know me for real just as I want to know them for real. I want to be able to say ‘are you sure you want to do this?’ or make an opposite case and not be hated or considered disloyal. Often when you face someone with a clear truth about their actions they get pissed. I know that feeling.
But, living with my beloved for four years, as a visa-overstay and no trusted friends close by, I had a bootcamp experience of being faced with my not so pleasant behaviors and motivations. I couldn’t just pack up and leave.
I had to ‘go inside myself’ and be present to the prosecutor and defence voices in my head – one telling me that I am right and innocent and a victim whilst the other, deeper truth, tells me you did behave this way, it is not a useful pattern so accept it, acknowledge this is how you are and in that knowing you will begin to change.
I don’t bury my behavior and pretend to myself. I practise knowing me.. being honest to me about me.. and like that I know shift is happening.. And yet, I live in a world where judgement is rife and based on prejudice, ignorance and illusions of what is ‘right’ and ‘wrong and honesty faces being burned at the stake. I live in a world of political games based on the motives of self, power, security whatever. So I too find the only way to survive is to play this game. And that said, I am surrounded by many beautiful people who enrich my life daily. I don’t want to play games and I don’t want to be judged and I don’t want to judge! And I’m flawed.
This is not a swim in a heated pool, it is riding the waves at Big Sur on a butter knife.
Do you get what I’m saying? I am human. Being human means we are on a life journey of evolution and emergence in a landscape that is swirling with an ever changing mix of natural goodness, toxins, honesty, deceit, truth, manipulation, us-ness and me-ness contained in the energy of every life force having the earthly experience. That is some powerful force.
This is not a gentle stroll along a flat path, it is scaling Everest with a toothpick.
As long as we have that deep intuitive knowing of the right thing to do and play a voice in our heads that encourages us to continue the journey, we are on track. We don’t need the voice that scolds us for not being ‘perfect’. We don’t need the voice that whispers ‘they’re better than you’. they’re mean voices and they’re lying to us. We just need the voice that says ‘you’re human, you’re a spirit having an experience in a body, forgive yourself, talk nice to yourself and know you will err from the path and you will return to it when you are ready..